Keeping busy, its all I do anymore. I go to work, I work out, I ride my motorcycle, I go out and hang with friends, I keep busy. I do my very best to keep my weekends full and try and find things to do locally during the week.
Started out as a way to keep my mind off her, but not so much now. Now I just do it because I can't stand sitting around being bored, can't stand being all by myself. I've made a few friends in town, but we don't hang out all the time.
I still don't know what I want to do now, I kinda feel like I'm a leaf in the wind. My feet need to touch the ground before I can choose a direction. I guess I still need to adjust to being alone again, I still have some stuff to work out.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Insert Title Here
Update 05/24/10- Well...went to the doc today to talk to him about depression... no, I'm not suicidal, just depressed. I understand that may pop into some peoples heads when they hear that. Doc and I talked for about 1.5-2 hrs about my situation and he has put me on Pristiq for 4 weeks to see it it helps.
In related news, I've been searching for ways to fill my free time and try to get interested in something. Most recently, a cooking class. Unfortunately, they meet once a month and we don't do the cooking. More like we are the studio audience to a demo on how to cook the meals and we get to eat the food. The recipies are good though.
Other than that, picture me holding a map and a broken compass, trying to figure out which way I'm going.
In related news, I've been searching for ways to fill my free time and try to get interested in something. Most recently, a cooking class. Unfortunately, they meet once a month and we don't do the cooking. More like we are the studio audience to a demo on how to cook the meals and we get to eat the food. The recipies are good though.
Other than that, picture me holding a map and a broken compass, trying to figure out which way I'm going.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Update on me, sorry it cant be cheerful.
Obviously by the look of the title, you should be able to see I'm depressed... still. I don't know if I'm just in a panic, thinking about things too much, trying to read too much into every single thing, or if things are really happening as I see them. Either way the end result is while I am able to keep my composure most of the time, I'm still a mess.
How I feel...Lost, I don't know what I'm supposed to do to help things get better...Hurt, because when I try to talk to Ariel about anything serious, we get 3 sentneces into a conversation and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore because its gonna put her in a bad mood the rest of the day and she doesn't want to be like that...More pain, because she seems so indifferent towards me and tells me she doesn't have time for me, despite going to hang out with her best friend every week when Linzy is with her dad...and ironically a little hope, she doesn't tell me she doesn't want me around, she still talks to me, she says still loves me.
I just dont get it though. She tells me she doesn't have time to see me and yet she goes out with her best friend every week. Can she not come out with me once in a while? Then she gets upset because I'm "depressed and mopy all the time" I'm depressed and mopy because she won't spend time with me. I still go over to her house and visit a couple times a week. I ask her if she wants me to come over and she says 'if you want to'... not what I asked, I asked what she wanted, "i dont care"...I keep coming over a couple times a week, hoping that the next time will be different. Every time though it seems, I'm there just to spend time with Linzy and her family. She sits at the opposite end of the table at dinner. She sits across the room when I am playing with Linzy, or she'll be doing something else. Basically, she really doesn't interact with me the whole night. After Linzy goes to bed, we lay in bed and watch a movie, she doesn't talk to me, just watches the movie til she falls asleep.
I get that she's hurt and is recovering, we both are. I understand that she doesn't want to fall into the same cycle we were in before. Unfortunately, I think we already have, only our roles have reversed. Sometimes I think that maybe I shouldnt come over anymore, but I think that she will feel like its over then. I don't want it to be over, I still love her and I feel she still loves me...I just don't know why she's holding back.
...other related news, I'm trying to fill up all my extra free time. I've started playing basketball after work, working out more, taking hikes in the nearby areas, and taking a few photos. Unfortunately, I still have a lot of free time to fill, too much 'thinking' time. Kinda why I don't want to drive too far, too much time driving makes me think too much about whats going on, and that does nothing for my mood/emotional state/confidence/...and tends to put a wet blanket on whatever I do the rest of the day.
...Like I said, sorry it can't be a cheerful post.
How I feel...Lost, I don't know what I'm supposed to do to help things get better...Hurt, because when I try to talk to Ariel about anything serious, we get 3 sentneces into a conversation and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore because its gonna put her in a bad mood the rest of the day and she doesn't want to be like that...More pain, because she seems so indifferent towards me and tells me she doesn't have time for me, despite going to hang out with her best friend every week when Linzy is with her dad...and ironically a little hope, she doesn't tell me she doesn't want me around, she still talks to me, she says still loves me.
I just dont get it though. She tells me she doesn't have time to see me and yet she goes out with her best friend every week. Can she not come out with me once in a while? Then she gets upset because I'm "depressed and mopy all the time" I'm depressed and mopy because she won't spend time with me. I still go over to her house and visit a couple times a week. I ask her if she wants me to come over and she says 'if you want to'... not what I asked, I asked what she wanted, "i dont care"...I keep coming over a couple times a week, hoping that the next time will be different. Every time though it seems, I'm there just to spend time with Linzy and her family. She sits at the opposite end of the table at dinner. She sits across the room when I am playing with Linzy, or she'll be doing something else. Basically, she really doesn't interact with me the whole night. After Linzy goes to bed, we lay in bed and watch a movie, she doesn't talk to me, just watches the movie til she falls asleep.
I get that she's hurt and is recovering, we both are. I understand that she doesn't want to fall into the same cycle we were in before. Unfortunately, I think we already have, only our roles have reversed. Sometimes I think that maybe I shouldnt come over anymore, but I think that she will feel like its over then. I don't want it to be over, I still love her and I feel she still loves me...I just don't know why she's holding back.
...other related news, I'm trying to fill up all my extra free time. I've started playing basketball after work, working out more, taking hikes in the nearby areas, and taking a few photos. Unfortunately, I still have a lot of free time to fill, too much 'thinking' time. Kinda why I don't want to drive too far, too much time driving makes me think too much about whats going on, and that does nothing for my mood/emotional state/confidence/...and tends to put a wet blanket on whatever I do the rest of the day.
...Like I said, sorry it can't be a cheerful post.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Helping Out.
Even though Ariel and I are going through a rough patch, I still go by and help when I can. Recently, within the last 10 days, Ariel's bro and his gf had their baby. A boy by the name of Levi, check your bible, weighing 7 lbs 6 oz and 20 in long arrived the 19th a little after 4 pm. His mom and daddy's side of the family was overjoyed at the new addition to the family, while his mom's side of the family was... shall we understate it with... less enthused. Needless to say, after 1 day back at her parents, she called and got us to help her move into the Bells house.
Linzy was excited at first to have Lindsay and Levi moving in, she gets overstimulated when more people are at the house and has been known to just run in circles due to the excitment. I noticed the first couple nights at how the change in attention was affecting her. I could tell that she 'noticed' that was no longer a focus of attention anymore, but she wasn't jealous yet. I came over the first couple days after work and helped out where I could the first couple of nights and then came back out on the weekend because I was called to help. Linzy was driving everyone up the wall, she was acting out all over the place because she wasn't getting the attention she was used to. With everything going on around there, no one had time to give her the attention she needed. So, I came out and kept her company and that seemed to help.
Ariel has been a wreck all week. Between the new baby drama, Linzy acting out, classes, being scheduled almost every night for work, Linzy's dad not being able to watch her, and Linzy's grandma, Joni, who runs a daycare and watches Linzy while Ariel is off at school, was off on vacation all week, Ariel was completely overwhelmed and stressed out. She had a couple good moments like when she took Linzy to an indoor inflateable fun park, they had those bouncy castles and slides, etc, where they both had a ball, and she got a few quiet moments to play her or her or hold baby Levi. But the stress outweighed the fun by a 5 to 1 ratio or more and Ariel was on the verge of a breakdown.
So... ya, not exactly an excitable few days, but here's hoping the next few days are a whole lot better....
Linzy was excited at first to have Lindsay and Levi moving in, she gets overstimulated when more people are at the house and has been known to just run in circles due to the excitment. I noticed the first couple nights at how the change in attention was affecting her. I could tell that she 'noticed' that was no longer a focus of attention anymore, but she wasn't jealous yet. I came over the first couple days after work and helped out where I could the first couple of nights and then came back out on the weekend because I was called to help. Linzy was driving everyone up the wall, she was acting out all over the place because she wasn't getting the attention she was used to. With everything going on around there, no one had time to give her the attention she needed. So, I came out and kept her company and that seemed to help.
Ariel has been a wreck all week. Between the new baby drama, Linzy acting out, classes, being scheduled almost every night for work, Linzy's dad not being able to watch her, and Linzy's grandma, Joni, who runs a daycare and watches Linzy while Ariel is off at school, was off on vacation all week, Ariel was completely overwhelmed and stressed out. She had a couple good moments like when she took Linzy to an indoor inflateable fun park, they had those bouncy castles and slides, etc, where they both had a ball, and she got a few quiet moments to play her or her or hold baby Levi. But the stress outweighed the fun by a 5 to 1 ratio or more and Ariel was on the verge of a breakdown.
So... ya, not exactly an excitable few days, but here's hoping the next few days are a whole lot better....
Monday, March 15, 2010
Peanut Rolls
I am never around anymore when mom makes these delicious goodies, so I begged for the recipe. I wanted to be able to make them when I get a hankering for them and mom said they were difficult to make. No harm in trying though, right? First, I'd like to say in my defense that I wasn't exactly equipped for this undertaking. I had a small kitchen (i call it a mini-kitchenette), not a shred of experience making dessert icing from scratch, and no actual equipment.
I had to buy a grinder for the peanuts, a hand mixer, a 9x13 pan,a sifter, and of course the rest of the ingredients. Cost materials $60. A pain to expand my kitchen equipment, but necessary. I made the cake first, no real problem there, it came out nice and easy. I used a combo of wax paper and cooking spray on the pan so that when it cool I could just flip it onto a cutting board and it would come right out. I used a measuring tape to make sure I cut the cake evenly, using the cm side for easiest reading.
Then I made the icing from scratch and my mess. The icing has to be just the right consistancy or it won't work. Too thin and the nuts will fall off, too thick and the nuts won't adhere to it. Note: next time I make them I will start out mixing the icing by hand, the hand mixer made the powdered sugar explode. After you make the icing, you test it on a roll to make sure its right. My first try was a bit too thin in my opinion. You are supposed to add the milk a little at a time to avoid making it too thin. Obviously I wasn't careful enough, so I had to add more powdered sugar to thicken it up.
After thickening it up some, though probably not enough, I tried again and managed to get a good majority of the rolls done... except for 10 of them. I ran out of icing and had 10 left. So I'm going to have strawberries and sponge cake to eat later. Figuring out how to use the grinder was fun, it was electric and had too settings, low and high. Low didn't get it to the size I wanted and high for too long made it peanut butter. Fun finding that out, let me tell you.
All in all, they turned out quite well, the nurses and clerks at the health department were my guinea pigs and I didn't kill them. In fact, they loved them, so a small victory in my book. Not a major victory because, "They just don't taste like the ones mom makes."
I had to buy a grinder for the peanuts, a hand mixer, a 9x13 pan,a sifter, and of course the rest of the ingredients. Cost materials $60. A pain to expand my kitchen equipment, but necessary. I made the cake first, no real problem there, it came out nice and easy. I used a combo of wax paper and cooking spray on the pan so that when it cool I could just flip it onto a cutting board and it would come right out. I used a measuring tape to make sure I cut the cake evenly, using the cm side for easiest reading.
Then I made the icing from scratch and my mess. The icing has to be just the right consistancy or it won't work. Too thin and the nuts will fall off, too thick and the nuts won't adhere to it. Note: next time I make them I will start out mixing the icing by hand, the hand mixer made the powdered sugar explode. After you make the icing, you test it on a roll to make sure its right. My first try was a bit too thin in my opinion. You are supposed to add the milk a little at a time to avoid making it too thin. Obviously I wasn't careful enough, so I had to add more powdered sugar to thicken it up.
After thickening it up some, though probably not enough, I tried again and managed to get a good majority of the rolls done... except for 10 of them. I ran out of icing and had 10 left. So I'm going to have strawberries and sponge cake to eat later. Figuring out how to use the grinder was fun, it was electric and had too settings, low and high. Low didn't get it to the size I wanted and high for too long made it peanut butter. Fun finding that out, let me tell you.
All in all, they turned out quite well, the nurses and clerks at the health department were my guinea pigs and I didn't kill them. In fact, they loved them, so a small victory in my book. Not a major victory because, "They just don't taste like the ones mom makes."
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Stepping Back
Ariel and I have been having some problems kinda recently and we've decided to step back for a bit. Our engagement is off and I'm waiting on her to sort out her feelings. While I wait I'm trying to work on improving my ability to communicate more assertively. I realize that you all have been out of the loop, so I'll give a bit of backstory.
From when we got together almost 2 years ago through as recently as this past weekend, I have not communicated very well when I got upset about something and I would either act out, respond harshly, or turn the situation around on her during an arguement and make her feel like it was her fault. Other times, I have acted without thinking of her, like Christmas, she drove all the way out to spend time with me and my family and I run off to spend time with my cousin, who has repeatedly let me down in the past when he said he'd be coming over. Had I thought about it more that night before running off to a movie I would not have.
Ariel has just been laddened down with all the stress of having Linzy, a job, school, and my passive-aggressive behavior and is stressed to her limits. She sees how her life is going and when she looks to see her friends and others her age out and having fun without all her reponsibilities, I think she feels like life is just moving too fast for her. The thought of being 25, married, a house, 2 kids, and a full time job scares her. (no she's not pregnant, we planned to have a kid shortly after getting married and she would have been 23 when we got married.)
In Jan, Ariel couldn't take the added stress of our relationship anymore and asked me to give her some space, which I agreed to. Unfortunately, we didn't talk then, so nothing got resolved once again. A failure on both our parts. She was trying to sort things out and I was left wondering what was wrong and how to fix things. Because we didn't really talk to sort things out, I got a bit resentful about the situation and when Ariel tried to see me, I once again didn't think and let my frustration run the conversation, leaving Ariel once again upset with me and leaving me once again in the dark about so much that was going through her mind.
Finally, yesterday, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to talk to her. I went over to her place last night and we talked . I told her my concerns and what I've been thinking about lately and how much our relationship means to me. She finally started to open up more on what has been bothering her about these agruements and my behavior. As we talked I realised that she was right about so much of how I acted or reacted to some many situations. I was kind of surprised when she told me about a few of them because I never saw it from her point of view. I think I keep focusing on the next step in our lives and that I took our relationship for granted and didn't think to continue to build and strengthen our bonds, so that when we did disagree, she would feel comfortable talking it out with me. A big underlying theme to our problems is communication, both the wrong methods and the lack thereof.
I think we had a good discussion, though I know its not over yet, and we need to keep the communication line open. I regret that it took us this long to start addressing these problems. Just like I regret that it took her melting down to find out that the way I have acted has been making her miserable. As of now, we are going to try and talk more, Ariel is sorting out her feelings (this whole experience has left her drained and she's trying to find out what she wants), and me, well, I'll be going by a bookstore later to get a book on how to me a better communicator, I may even see a therapist sometime. I know now that I do need to adjust my behavior because I'm in a relationship.
From when we got together almost 2 years ago through as recently as this past weekend, I have not communicated very well when I got upset about something and I would either act out, respond harshly, or turn the situation around on her during an arguement and make her feel like it was her fault. Other times, I have acted without thinking of her, like Christmas, she drove all the way out to spend time with me and my family and I run off to spend time with my cousin, who has repeatedly let me down in the past when he said he'd be coming over. Had I thought about it more that night before running off to a movie I would not have.
Ariel has just been laddened down with all the stress of having Linzy, a job, school, and my passive-aggressive behavior and is stressed to her limits. She sees how her life is going and when she looks to see her friends and others her age out and having fun without all her reponsibilities, I think she feels like life is just moving too fast for her. The thought of being 25, married, a house, 2 kids, and a full time job scares her. (no she's not pregnant, we planned to have a kid shortly after getting married and she would have been 23 when we got married.)
In Jan, Ariel couldn't take the added stress of our relationship anymore and asked me to give her some space, which I agreed to. Unfortunately, we didn't talk then, so nothing got resolved once again. A failure on both our parts. She was trying to sort things out and I was left wondering what was wrong and how to fix things. Because we didn't really talk to sort things out, I got a bit resentful about the situation and when Ariel tried to see me, I once again didn't think and let my frustration run the conversation, leaving Ariel once again upset with me and leaving me once again in the dark about so much that was going through her mind.
Finally, yesterday, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to talk to her. I went over to her place last night and we talked . I told her my concerns and what I've been thinking about lately and how much our relationship means to me. She finally started to open up more on what has been bothering her about these agruements and my behavior. As we talked I realised that she was right about so much of how I acted or reacted to some many situations. I was kind of surprised when she told me about a few of them because I never saw it from her point of view. I think I keep focusing on the next step in our lives and that I took our relationship for granted and didn't think to continue to build and strengthen our bonds, so that when we did disagree, she would feel comfortable talking it out with me. A big underlying theme to our problems is communication, both the wrong methods and the lack thereof.
I think we had a good discussion, though I know its not over yet, and we need to keep the communication line open. I regret that it took us this long to start addressing these problems. Just like I regret that it took her melting down to find out that the way I have acted has been making her miserable. As of now, we are going to try and talk more, Ariel is sorting out her feelings (this whole experience has left her drained and she's trying to find out what she wants), and me, well, I'll be going by a bookstore later to get a book on how to me a better communicator, I may even see a therapist sometime. I know now that I do need to adjust my behavior because I'm in a relationship.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
February... Febrrrruarrrryy
Ya, cold. So cold that my previously $50-65 month electric bill was $140 last month... and my thermostat was set at 68, thank you very much. The coulprits: my sliding door to the balcony and the uninsulated pipes. The balcony door lets in a horrible draft in the winter and there's only a few things I can do about it. The water heater and the copper water pipes are uninsulated and so it wastes power trying to keep my water hot... i wondered why the hot water never lasted over 5 min in the shower.
Now that I've passed my RS exam and can keep my job, I can now study for my arborist exam so that I can put my degree to some use. Other than that, work is fine. Waiting for spring so that we can get back out into the septic installation inspections and such. I've been working out 3 times a week and increasing my reps monthly.... though its only been a little over a month since I started :P Not really looking too hard for a house right now. Just keeping my eyes peeled but not actively searching.
Ariel's been working a lot lately on the weekends, says her manager has it out for her because she keeps getting scheduled doubles. Other than that, I don't hear complain too much about classes, so I assume they're going alright.
Linzy has continued astounding us. She carries on conversations with us and amazes us at times with what she says, (as in the extent of her vocabulary, not in the depth of her observations.) She has taken to playing with her baby dolls a bit more now. Carrying them around with her, 'feeding' them, putting them to 'bed', etc. Much better than pushing them down the slide... or the stairs. She even takes them to the bathroom and sets them on her potty, so they can go too. She really enjoys us reading to her more and more now, sometimes she'll 'read' to us a book that we've read so many times it seems that she memorized the story. She's doing great.
Now that I've passed my RS exam and can keep my job, I can now study for my arborist exam so that I can put my degree to some use. Other than that, work is fine. Waiting for spring so that we can get back out into the septic installation inspections and such. I've been working out 3 times a week and increasing my reps monthly.... though its only been a little over a month since I started :P Not really looking too hard for a house right now. Just keeping my eyes peeled but not actively searching.
Ariel's been working a lot lately on the weekends, says her manager has it out for her because she keeps getting scheduled doubles. Other than that, I don't hear complain too much about classes, so I assume they're going alright.
Linzy has continued astounding us. She carries on conversations with us and amazes us at times with what she says, (as in the extent of her vocabulary, not in the depth of her observations.) She has taken to playing with her baby dolls a bit more now. Carrying them around with her, 'feeding' them, putting them to 'bed', etc. Much better than pushing them down the slide... or the stairs. She even takes them to the bathroom and sets them on her potty, so they can go too. She really enjoys us reading to her more and more now, sometimes she'll 'read' to us a book that we've read so many times it seems that she memorized the story. She's doing great.
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