Update on me, sorry it cant be cheerful.

Obviously by the look of the title, you should be able to see I'm depressed... still. I don't know if I'm just in a panic, thinking about things too much, trying to read too much into every single thing, or if things are really happening as I see them. Either way the end result is while I am able to keep my composure most of the time, I'm still a mess.

How I feel...Lost, I don't know what I'm supposed to do to help things get better...Hurt, because when I try to talk to Ariel about anything serious, we get 3 sentneces into a conversation and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore because its gonna put her in a bad mood the rest of the day and she doesn't want to be like that...More pain, because she seems so indifferent towards me and tells me she doesn't have time for me, despite going to hang out with her best friend every week when Linzy is with her dad...and ironically a little hope, she doesn't tell me she doesn't want me around, she still talks to me, she says still loves me.

I just dont get it though. She tells me she doesn't have time to see me and yet she goes out with her best friend every week. Can she not come out with me once in a while? Then she gets upset because I'm "depressed and mopy all the time" I'm depressed and mopy because she won't spend time with me. I still go over to her house and visit a couple times a week. I ask her if she wants me to come over and she says 'if you want to'... not what I asked, I asked what she wanted, "i dont care"...I keep coming over a couple times a week, hoping that the next time will be different. Every time though it seems, I'm there just to spend time with Linzy and her family. She sits at the opposite end of the table at dinner. She sits across the room when I am playing with Linzy, or she'll be doing something else. Basically, she really doesn't interact with me the whole night. After Linzy goes to bed, we lay in bed and watch a movie, she doesn't talk to me, just watches the movie til she falls asleep.

I get that she's hurt and is recovering, we both are. I understand that she doesn't want to fall into the same cycle we were in before. Unfortunately, I think we already have, only our roles have reversed. Sometimes I think that maybe I shouldnt come over anymore, but I think that she will feel like its over then. I don't want it to be over, I still love her and I feel she still loves me...I just don't know why she's holding back.


...other related news, I'm trying to fill up all my extra free time. I've started playing basketball after work, working out more, taking hikes in the nearby areas, and taking a few photos. Unfortunately, I still have a lot of free time to fill, too much 'thinking' time. Kinda why I don't want to drive too far, too much time driving makes me think too much about whats going on, and that does nothing for my mood/emotional state/confidence/...and tends to put a wet blanket on whatever I do the rest of the day.

...Like I said, sorry it can't be a cheerful post.